Til Birth Day

It was all a bit of a misunderstanding. But let me begin at the start which happens to be at the end. Oh, what confusion.

 

Ambiguity

Ambivalence

Anarchy

To celebrate a birthday’s reversal

To celebrate a death

To embrace the change in chaos

Words with exploding meanings

Insufficient to measure and categorically define with certainty.

 

So, it began with a fight with my mother and father. I love them dearly now but then it was a different story. At the time I both hated and loved them passionately. It tore at my soul and tried to destroy me.

 

MetaphysiKant please show me the way to my Self.

To the bottle

Of cheap vodka

On the shoreline of the sea

Midnight silently calls

I am floating yet aware enough

I will sink to the bottom

Should I step forth

Across to eat the moon

 

But how did you cope with the smashing internal ambivalence?

I drank, took risks, and approached the edge. I lived for some years with tranquillity-tinged destruction.

But you survived! How did you get through the mind-field?

 

They glowed brightly.

An invisible glorious colour around them but only visible for ME!

A glow and brightness

Attracting one singular moth

Which was but ME!

I fell

I loved

I changed

The calm desire for the deep

Replaced by heat and sand

A creation dragging us inevitably towards WE.

 

I still don’t get it. How did you desire. How did you live. How did you become A live.

Well quite simply I became WE and she became ME!

 

Heart beating

Skin touching with fingers interlaced

Breaths synchronized as well

Stars clear

Ground firm and soft

Calm

I becoming we, as we lie laying together

Staring into universal infinity

Til Day Birth

 

So is that the end of the story. What of the parents who precipitated the dangerous path you began upon.  You say you love them but is that a truth?

I hang my mind with down cast eyes. It is true. Things were never the same again. We get along but I am not sure I can entirely forgive them.

 

Am I the person today I was yesterday or at the start of my time?

Am I a shadow paper, repeatedly palimpsest written with experience accumulated?

Am I me when I am with them?

Am I another,4 decades since the rupture?

Am I still me when we are together?

Am I separated in time and space from another?

Am I just a bunch of questions without practical motive?

 

It is late. I have been writing as is my habit. I notice the quiet. It has been a long time since I have heard you speak. A coldness creeps over me. Something I have not experience for a long long time. Your voice. When did I last hear your voice. I can remember. Today? Last week? A year ago? I close my eyes and remember fingers entwined. I gently dream in the late evening hour. You are gone. I know it. Our conversations have held me here. Tiredness. Softness. Gentle calm arrives as I imaged it would one day. Today may be the day, I smile. The inevitable end of days and end of our story.

 

They loved each other

Fortunes discovery gave them a life together

They will be missed but remain in our heart

Our dear parents who rest peacefully here