Saturday, 8 July 2023

Memory. Fragmented. Part2

 Her mother’s memory was waning. At 92 it was not a surprise

Her beautiful strong elegant mother. The one who had protected her, watched after her. Survived the war with her.

The stories and her own memory were vague. She was only 4-5 years old at the time.

She knew some facts. That her mother worked for the French resistance. That she looked North African- Algerian and so would not arouse suspicion, particularly with a little 4-year girl in tow.

Her mother spoke French and German but only German when out and about, couriering guns from partisan groups to assassins and fighters.  She would listen in to the conversations in German between soldiers without rousing suspicion.

That little girl, now a grey-haired grandmother, looked lovingly at her fading mother. A part of her was going to fade away completely very soon. No food. No drink. And becoming skeletal. It was the way her father passed as well.

Hand in hand she stared out into the night. Thinking of fragments of childhood memories.

A soldier uniform

A doll

Never look at the black bag

Always smile shyly

 

The rattled breathing began

A weak cough

Her mothers’ eyes open for a moment and the familiar pressure on her hand. The same smile as 71 years ago

Memory. The train ride. Part 1

4 ½ years. Aware of the bright sun in her eyes. Her mother wasn’t paying her attention.
The world was the only thing in the world that matters and today was a special day on the train to 
see Jacques. Jacques was a nice man. Always a chocolate and flower and a smile.
But now the train was stopped and men in black uniforms were shouting. And my tummy was feeling 
funny. I felt like crying.
The talk dark olive skinned women took my hand. 
“Shush, Mon Cherie”. said mummy. Mailou.
No sound. No talking 
“Oui”. If i was asked a question.
Somewhere deep down I was scared. I knew I needed to play my role. It felt good to feel my mothers’
hand, giving me a gentle squeeze as the door opened. 
2 of them entered.
“papers”
I really didn’t hear anything, i just played with my doll and brushed her hair.
One of them squatted down to my height. “I have a little girl like you. What’s your name”. 
“Maria” automatically I spoke with a shy smile.
“Lovely doll”
I held it out and he gave it a pat.
“ok” said the other. “Let’s move on”.
They stood and left.
Another squeeze of my hand. A lighter and gentler one that said the danger was over.
I stole a look at the bag I was never to look at.
My mother smiled.

Repeat repeat stop


The injury. My Achilles

Too much

Internal driven momentum

Repeat

Limiting

Annoying

Frustrating

Repeat

 

To learn

To change

To differ

Stop

 

Mindfulness

Empty of urgency

Pause

Empty

Exist

 

Routine and ritual

 

Freedom and spontaneity

Stop repeat stop repeat

 

Movement

Flow

No increments

No logic

Universal entropy unknowable and unique

 

Focus               Goal                 Action              Purpose

Connections     Person              Dissociation

Live                  Survive             Repeat

DNA                 Code                Rebirth             Plus

Linear               Time                 Endless

Space               Distance           Connected

Where              When               Vast

Hope                Dissociate         Repeat

Stop                 Exist                 Think                Again

Friday, 7 July 2023

purpose. walk from the station

 Walk from the station

 

His feet aches from the work of walking the previous day. It had been therapeutic expending energy with his daughter.

Now he was alone again. She was travelling south, and he would venture east.

Tiredness crept in as he sat on the bench. The sounds of traffic and voice and city noise still prominent in the background.

Purpose. What was his purpose. Sure, there was work, a family he would sacrifice for, wife, children, and colleagues who were relying on him.

But what was His purpose?

Clouds now brought a chill to the noon spring day in Hyde Park

People moving, walking, strolling, running

Dogs sniffing, wagging, smiling

Workmen, gardeners toiling

Many purposes

Alone with time on his side

All of the purposes that existed in him faded

Quiet non urgency opened up a void of observed emptiness

 

Hunger for lunch, he smiled, was a growing purpose!

 

He began to walk again

Sunday, 2 July 2023

The Book of Prime

 Prime

As the machinery awoke, the arithmetic formulas came in to being.  Written 50000 years ago they expressed a view of the machine and computer code that have not been around for a very long time.

 

The machine was built by ancient humans. The code written to allow rebirth of a species that was annihilated by a stray heavenly object.

 

Machine and algorithm were written in haste.

 

The Machine was modest. It was replicated around the globe as insurance with the raw material available nearby to create the protein building blocks for life. The algorithm however needed to be different. It could not allow identical beings being brought into existence.

 

There were redundancies, contingencies, backups, and overrides as well as different storage methods that severed to protect information for gene and environmental influence. So that humans were given the highest chance to re-emerge from their deconstructed winter.

 

Of the millions of gene individually stored it was recognized that many would not survive the prolonged length of time.

 

Machine knew genes needed to re combined.

 

Prime numbers were used as identification.

 

Randomization was allowed within constraints.

 

Even then once a code was produced for a bio machine production the embryos may not survive.

 

11 were required as a start.

 

The pioneers to propagate the future production of the rebirthed human race.

 

Many things could go wrong.

 

Many things did.

Old new beginnings

The darkness did not exist for them. No eyes, no ears, no taste and certainly no smell or sensation. However, they were a multitude all over the planet and their time was approaching. 

If I had been there at that moment, I might have seen the redundant LED counter change to 50000. But I wasn’t there and even now looking at this old machine, I wondered who had the good humour to include such visual elements as no one was looking.

Let me introduce myself. So inconsiderate of me, dear reader. I am historian and I have been tasked with recording first generation history. We are the first to emerge from the code after the 50000 years of immateriality. The time estimated for the world to repair itself. De-toxify and allow habitation. Well, it was a success. There is no poison. All has been greenwashed. We are the biological equivalents of the children of the last to have lived.

However, biology can only go so far. Genetic duplicates, nutritionally equivalent environment, knowledge stored for regurgitation as being codes were translated into biological building blocks, allowed to grow in ‘test tubes’, move to the equivalent of wombs and then emerge or birth into the post-apocalyptic new old beginning.

My memory is hazy. I recall, as most of the other do, a warm, light filled soft space. At times noise, movement, and other environmental variations, programmed to facilitate sensory development in the absence of adult parental figures. 

Although robots and other mechanical beings are abundantly present, I don’t recall them playing a part in that hazy early start to life. I know rationally that I will never be normal. I am the first to emerge, given as much attention and care in the absence of parents. Good enough does not quite describe it.

However, I was with others. Purposefully not identically aged and match in what I can only assume was a type of controlled randomness of association. Again, something approximating normality but not really the case.

Be that as it may, I am here. Breathing, talking, learning, and participating. Is that all that my ancestors had hoped for?

That really is the mystery? There really is no instruction manual. Deliberate, I am sure. We exist, going about our assigned roles. Dealing, it seems, with an increasingly variable environment and challenges. Again, from what reading I have done in the areas of sociology, biology, and psychology, a little bit of chaos is a good thing.

Palimpsest

At a superficial level I understand my assigned role of historian. But also deep down, something else resides in this title that I have not quite worked out. Do I read about the past. Do I record the here and now for near and far future reference? Do I perform or become the vehicle of another purpose. I am really not sure.

Facts that are incontrovertible are that I am 58 years old, that my sexual partner has produced one child and we are having a second, seemly normal code derived child. We have a family existence with my partner involved in resource maintenance mechanical and biological. I am informed by the terminal, where all knowledge and information can be attained whenever required, that I am expected to live to a maximum of 120 years. So, 60 to go, give or take a margin of error.

I feel connected to others, particularly my children and partner. We are aware of our special status in humanities history of existence and near extinction. All of us, I am sure, feel the absence or missing depth of existence. I have a theory. This missingness, this unknowableness is the price of erasure and rescripting.

I was reading about ancient humanity and came upon a term call palimpsest. When manuscripts were in short supply, scholars erased by scraping away the writing or their own previous musings or that of another and then wrote new text. However, a faint echo of the past always existed. Faint as it may seem, in the slight indentations ofthe erased text, and at a more abstract sense, a hint of the previous authors intentions would persist. Like a ghost, a presence unable to be viewed directly and unable to be registered by our normal senses. 

These are thoughts I keep to myself. I really do not know why. Everything else is encouraged to be spoken out loud and shared in our community. But not this sense that the ancients are here with us.

Saturday, 24 June 2023

The Rhizomatic City

 The 16th floor

The day is getting along

I am the last on the floor

Four Zoom meetings in a row

I am tired

A typical scenario these days. Coming into the office had broken my cosy pattern of remote working, where I could control my space, tune in or tune out, multi-task. It had been an easy form of existence for over two and a half years. Today, a refreshing bike ride, hot shower, and elevator ride up to the 16th of 25 floors at Lonsdale near Spring.

Grey clouds with pink, purple hues are emerging in the late afternoon. My desk in the open plan office looks out to the southwest of Melbourne’s CBD. I remembered how beautiful it was and why I had chosen this spot. We are above most nearby buildings. I sit, look, and drift, You Yangs in the distance, clouds moving slowly. The sound of mobile ringing brings me back to now.

 

“Yes”

“Yes”

“That is very tragic”

 

“Send some details though….text or email….and any further information as it comes to hand in coming days”.

 

“Yes, of course. Call me if any issues crop up. I’m available, even afterhours”

 

I sit hunched over, mobile phone in hand, blindly gazing at the unnoticed sunset.

Then hanging up with desensitised sadness, the fading light coming back into view.

 

Later elevator descending

toward ground and beyond

to the subterranean

change rooms now empty

and finally bike ride home.

Below pavement

Digging had gotten frantic in the last week or so as the deadline approached. It was an impossible archaeological gift, a precious opportunity to explore the history of Little Lon, sealed for decades beneath the bitumen. Today was the last day. The finds so far had been remarkable and revealing. The history of the area well documented in fact and fiction, evoking romantic notions of Melbourne.

Plates, old medicinal bottles, figurines, the tossed out, left behind, and abandoned, all hidden signs of life. In a month or so the trucks, bulldozers, diggers, cranes, and people would swarm until new buildings would tower, straddling Spring, Lonsdale, and Little Lonsdale Streets.

History would then fill pages, boxes, displays and collections. A treasure trove of opportunities to fill the historical gaps in the organicity of Melbourne’s evolution. Imagining the people and city interwoven with each other, moving in asynchronous harmony, co-dependant and influential of each other, he sensed the aliveness in the rhizome of connected elements: People, buildings, institutions, stories, contents.

He enjoyed losing himself in such ambiguous and absurd notions of a living city.

Suddenly a yell, shouting him out of the trance.

 

Torches blazed around them. It was midnight, well beyond the endpoint of the last day.

No one disturbed them from their scraping, brushing, and puffs of care.

The box was ordinary and yet profoundly misplaced amongst the other artifacts.

Years, decades, perhaps even a century older than its neighbours.

 

Within glass sealed containment, his gloves slowly and gently unclipped the unlocked timber box.

Inside a scrap of pelt, soft and pliable.

Preserved without story.

 

Town

His son was talking in his sleep again when he arrived home past midnight. It no longer had the urgency of months ago.

He was worried. Little Lon was changing and so was his family. 8 years of work at the butchers, night after night as demands within the city grew exponentially. Meat carved, dressed, layered, made ready for market, at morning 5.

Their stone brick home of 2 bedrooms, kitchen, and sitting room housed the 6 of them. Rent rising at a greater speed then pay. Neighbours drifting away. Dirty courtyard to play, toilet, and bathe in. The stink and noises desensitizing senses.

He was only 3. Bright, busy, and seemingly unstopping from morning to night. The older ones knew their duties. They were only children, yet they had seen the misery, dirt, destitution around the lanes and knew to protect. Casselden Place was out of bounds but sometimes the boy could not be stopped.

He had tripped over the still warm body, minutes beyond life.

In fear and muteness had the sisters found him, with women and their brutes standing in silent witness.

Blood-soaked clothes, and blank eyes, he had arrived home.

Police went through the motions. He was only 3. No one was arrested. It was the third murder that year.

Sleep came easily tonight despite the sounds of life in the alleys and lanes. The Golden City of Bendigo would soon home them all.

 

Country

It was unusual to see children amongst the convicts, soldiers, settlers, and merchants. Tents and wooden structures clung to the Yarra’s edge. Noise, buildings, people, and the bush beyond. 

To the 10-year-old it was magnetic. Ahead of any fear, he was on a track going up the slight incline though the bush. No thoughts of mother or father and even less, his annoying baby sister. There were different sorts of quiet sounds. The smells, the trees, a kangaroo!

He followed and followed.

The summer sun was dipping but he kept moving ever forward. Animal and child connected in land.

Suddenly there did not seem to be anything and fear of the absent noises took hold. He ran and ran.

 

Night had fully arrived.

Tears and exhaustion drained strength, while laying on soft eucalyptus leaves.

Sleep arriving as the moon light appeared.

Dreams of wild waves and yawning deck.

Then soft gentle and smiling kind hands.

Warmth of fur settling deep sleep.

 

“My child”, “my child”, the mother cried in relief.

Warmly wrapped up in a pelt and sleeping peacefully, child on the doorstep in the cold morning.

Wednesday, 21 June 2023

Silence

 We walked through the night.

Two old men.

One a baby

One as old as the earth’s crust

Stars only

Old in front

Onwards always it seemed.

 

A glow gave them pause.

Cool breeze warning of heat ahead

 

Dry hot and sleepy

The midday spoke.

Hot and dry

Sleepy windless landscape

 

 The old one woke the young one.

The two old men began the twilight walk.

One guiding

One following

 

The second night brought creatures.

Sounds of water

Oasis in the dessert

Hidden deep in country from the young old man.

A deeply etched mark in the mind and land of the old old man.

 

 

 

Silence

 

The way back to town was swift it seemed but not really.

 

When had the young one spent days in silence.

The quiet was not quiet.

The dessert spoke constantly.

Mind and land and nature relationality connected.

 

They arrive and stand side by side looking back in silence at the days 

Memory. Fragmented. Part2

 Her mother’s memory was waning. At 92 it was not a surprise Her beautiful strong elegant mother. The one who had protected her, watched a...